To be alone.

I sleep with a teddy, because i need something to hold.

I talk to myself, because i don’t believe anyone else wants to hear.

I cry on the inside, because on the outside i won’t be a burden. 

I smile when i am sad, so no one asks how i am feeling. 

I keep to myself, because in loneliness i don’t bother you with my problems.

I am walled off from the world, because i don’t know how else to cope.

Alice. xx

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Fathers Day…

Dear Fathers,

I have no love for my own dad so my father’s day thing is going to go to all of the good dads out in the world. I am not a parent, but i know this much. A good parent should nurture there child no matter who they want to be. As a trans kid i have to say that support is not something i have from family. So just love your kid no matter what, it can’t be so hard. I know we are arseholes sometimes, being a little twat is part of growing up. 

Thank you all the good dads who read this, thank you for bringing love into the world… We need more of that.

I’m Learning 

Personal development is hard girls and boys, i realise this now because i think i am finally making personal development. I thought i was before, but i wasn’t doing it well. I have come to accept that sometimes i will feel down and that it is ok to be a little depressed sometimes. I am surrounded by people who are making my life harder by denying my condition. Well… to them it is considered a condition, in reality they are denying my happiness. I am trying to change that too, i am a stubborn bitch so i will get away eventually and i won’t change for anyone.

Anyway, amazing friends finally allow me the opportunity to realise that i have support and that i can have happiness despite it all. I am a weak person and only recently did i realise that i need help, but i have people who are there to help for a change. Development is coming because i have accepted that i need help for things to get better permanently, but even now there are moments where i am happy. Those moments are my metaphorical foot holds to help me scale the mountain that i finally decided to face. So i realise there is a long way to go, but i also realise with help i will get there. I will win because i can’t let myself lose. I see no long term that contains me as i am at current, only the one where i get over this mountain i have in front of me. However, when i do i will be happier and not just for a moment. 

Alice is a twat.

This girl…. i here you say, trying to post regularly. Bitch is 20 and super unstable…

I tried and guess i am going to do it again because you know what, i am allowed. I mean.. i am probably not about to succeed, but i can still attempt. 

My excuses if i am inconsistent are as follows

  • I am a bit depressed
  • I got distracted and forgot to press send
  • It is too warm to write
  • I have a dead brain and have no clue what to write
  • I am just a bit thick
  • The dysphoria thing. (A big topic i will lump together as the dysphoria thing)
  • Laziness

    Expect something of more quality to come… maybe..

    Adversity

    ​”The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

    Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

    I was browsing quotes today about adversity because i need some inspiration. I need to be better. I am not going to pretend i am one of these people, but i know them and they might well be the reason i am not in the deepest pit i have ever been in. This is the type of person i can only hope i will be when i have fought through misery and adversity. There is another quote from Desmond Tutu. “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” Then i looked up Desmond Tutu, a man who grew up in South Africa durimg the apartheid and fought it. This man is was archbishop of cape town and he has stood up for the rights of so many. He campaigned to fight He has campaigned to fight HIV/AIDStuberculosispovertyracismsexismhomophobia, and transphobia. This man has a nobel peace prize and i think i just found another man to add to my list of idols. These people remind me that one person can make a difference, that’s what i want to do. 

    Anyway, this has all been a reminder that this world my seem like a mess at times. If we look harder you can see that adversity just brings out the best in us. It breeds the beautiful people who were previously described so perfectly by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. This gives me more hope. 

    Alice’s Prolonged Disappearance.

    So, i usually have a day or so in a week where i get this overwhelming sense that i have achieved nothing and recently maybe more than once or twice a week. The problem i think is somewhere between dealing with excessive dysphoria that is only getting worse and having the overwhelming desire to live an extraordinary life. Becoming a women mind and body is a slow process and i am taking baby steps, but the mental issues of dysphoria combined with an attached inferiority complex  and having an the constant sense that i am not achieving anything… I will call that lighting the fuse for my depression and anxiety time bomb. So in short, my head was fucked and still is. Then i remember why i wanted to write this stuff, someone else might learn from my being ridiculous and not dealing with at least some of my plethora of issues sooner. Moral of the story, problems don’t just go away when left alone. I might be back a while. Be patient with me, i am a mess and i am trying to find a way to get better. I am trying my best to find the guts to resolve my shit.

    Thanks, 

    Alice

    Ideological, liberal, pacifist nonsense. 

    I just had a nice talk trying to fight a corner that is difficult to fight. The side of a pacifist, a optimist. Trying to argue this stand point whilst also trying to be appear sensible is apparently difficult. Yes, i try my hardest to avoid violence. But to say it isn’t pacifist, when you present me with a situation like “if you are backed into a corner and being attacked by someone with a knife what would you do?” And my response is that i would act in self preservation, is bollocks. I have basic natural instinct and to avoid death is not just a choice. To tell me the world has so many problems is not a deterent for my optimism and justification for your pessimism, it is all the more reason to be optimistic. I feel like i am essentially arguing the longer, harder solution to everything. I got told once that i am only the way i am because i am bi… It has only ever had an influence because i have experienced tame amounts of discrimination compared to most, but with or without my sexuality (and now gender) i would be the same ideological person who thinks the right way is the way that removes the violence. I believe strongly in the power of words, however easily they are shutdown by the violent unstable short term.

    Freeing Alice

    ​It is a good thing i am masochistic because i have turned to slapping myself as a deterent to negative thoughts. I know it isn’t exactly the most ideal solution, but fuck knows if i have a better one. Everything is swamped in misery or doubt, searching for the glimmer of good stuff is hard when you are surrounded by cynicism. I need to get out and i need to find people who keep me positive, any volunteers are welcome. Being in a state is no fun and it is about time i get out and i find myself in every aspect. Best be ready for me, i need to do this shit for the sake of my sanity and to grace this beautiful place with my weird little presence. Now the real work starts. 

    Struggling

    I am struggling to make progress recently without counselling or any positive output. I feel like my life is going on pause and trying to push on is getting a lot harder. 

    Even though i am self aware of this problem i still find myself having this problem. The reason i suspect is the having a lack of positive influence. It has slowed me down big time, i want to go quicker and then start to doubt myself. It is hard sometimes, i am reminded of how other people feel about what i want and the people i could lose. I don’t like feeling like i am letting people down, but i don’t owe it to anyone to keep up a twenty year act. Sorry today was a rant, i imagine anyone going through the kinds of things i am has thought like this from time to time. Just need to keep pushing on as always. 

    Come what may. 

    Certain songs for me carry with them a depth of experience from the writer, a message learned through years of trail and error. I have listened to my fair share of songs about hardships in whatever form that may be. If i can draw from the experience of others as well as my own i have learnt some things from struggles. We all have need to feel awful, on my worst days i feel hollow. However, the second half that i have learned to believe is that the human spirit is a hard thing to break and that we always have to keep pushing on and that also comes through in the music we so frequently hear. Pain is a part of life, but life is built to weather the storms and endure whatever is thrown its way. I have a hard time convincing myself that the bad will pass, but come hell or high water,  it always does.