I am a self-inflicted disaster. No one ever stops to ask me how i feel, i realise when i am pushed emotionally i hide it away. The world conditions boys no to show emotion, to ‘man up’ because tears are for girls. So that is what i did, society has made me fucking despondent. I am miserable and what do i say if someone very casually asks “how are you?”. I say i am fine. A word that is void of meaning, to be at your most neutral and i am far from neutral. How this passes for so long i don’t understand, how i have the stupidity to keep saying i am fine is even more baffling. I have been emotionally neglecting myself for years and i try like nothing to support anyone i can. Now all i want to do is scream at the top of my voice and get myself some of that support, but now i am a new form of taboo and people don’t talk about the shit that i am putting up with so openly. I am trapped in a cozy, dark nightmare corner and i am struggling to free myself. All because society put a false label on me and it well and truly destroyed my emotions. My potential is somewhere buried in the shell i feel like right now, i am determined to get it back. It is just a hellish job to do so at least now i know where i am headed, destination female for me with or without support. I broke myself so it is about time i own up and fix myself too. I am not there yet, but even on my darkest days there is still light ahining somewhere.
Don’t give up on me,