Walking Disaster 

I am a self-inflicted disaster. No one ever stops to ask me how i feel, i realise when i am pushed emotionally i hide it away. The world conditions boys no to show emotion, to ‘man up’ because tears are for girls. So that is what i did, society has made me fucking despondent. I am miserable and what do i say if someone very casually asks “how are you?”. I say i am fine. A word that is void of meaning, to be at your most neutral and i am far from neutral. How this passes for so long i don’t understand, how i have the stupidity to keep saying i am fine is even more baffling. I have been emotionally neglecting myself for years and i try like nothing to support anyone i can. Now all i want to do is scream at the top of my voice and get myself some of that support, but now i am a new form of taboo and people don’t talk about the shit that i am putting up with so openly. I am trapped in a cozy, dark nightmare corner and i am struggling to free myself. All because society put a false label on me and it well and truly destroyed my emotions. My potential is somewhere buried in the shell i feel like right now, i am determined to get it back. It is just a hellish job to do so at least now i know where i am headed, destination female for me with or without support. I broke myself so it is about time i own up and fix myself too. I am not there yet, but even on my darkest days there is still light ahining somewhere. 

Don’t give up on me, 

Alice xoxo 

Stigma

As a horrible little add on to labels people manage to go one better and assign assumed traits to these labels. More often than not for any ‘different’ labels the stigma happens to be entirely negative. A most unfortunate example i can make comes from my little brothers, who are unknowing of my sexuality. Any time they see someone, including me do anything remotely feminine they will laugh and scream gayboy. Of course i don’t hold this to them, they are younger, stupid and haven’t yet been informed. Though i do wonder if they would think twice if they were aware that i am fully intent on transforming my body or that i am bisexual. Sometimes i think modern stigma makes it too acceptable to say harmful things without thinking and it wouldn’t change a thing. I also believe i have neglected to do my part ,as someone affected by a number of negative stigma, to break that stigma and educate in that sense. The stigma surrounding mental health, trans people, gay people, lesbian woman, non monogamous and even just young people are absolutely terrible. There are countless groups that are stuck in a one size fits all suit when each individual is exactly that.. individual. By stigmatising and using labels we are actively dehumanising people who deserve more than to be reduced to labels. We are a band of misfits and we don’t fit any one sized fits all model, simply because some of us band together to fight for what we think is right doesn’t make us identical. It makes us united. 

Invisible..

​I am not all that open or precise about how i feel a lot of the time. It is a huge flaw, i have my issues and they are nothing compared to some people. I have this sudden onset of stress and anxiety and isolation. Makes me feel like i am not worth it, i try my best to stay positive and strong and with other people i can. I don’t see that potential i see in others in myself, just this cage of a bloody body. I don’t mean to be so negative, but no one sees this, no one notices people suffering to themselves. It is completely internal, i don’t mean this to be about me either. I just want to make a point that sometimes pain is fucking invisible and i absolutely hate that. It is so so unfair, anyone can say something and with what they believe to be harmless trigger a nightmare for someone else. Sorry, i have to vent a bit this helps me calm down. Lets call it insight…

Shifting Culture

I can almost explain why xenophobia and racism and homophobia exist, the general thought is that people feel that culture is threatened by differences. Unfortunately we are vastly protective of our particular way of life, be it the british way, the american way or the culture of any other country. The problem with this is the view that culture is a fixed concept, that our culture doesn’t shift. Anyone open minded and insightful enough will see the flaw of this immediately, culture is a fluid concept and has never stopped changing. You can go back to the romans and trace assimilation of different cultures. We should embrace difference. Culture doesn’t get diluted, it gets enriched by the more diversity we share. This makes the world a more accepting place and what we have at the moment is the exact opposite, other views are being ignored and pushed aside. It is terrifying, but i have faith in the ability of the majority to show how accepting they are.  

Me, Myself and I don’t always get along. 

I am overly emotional today. I have been so close to crying for no apparent reason today and i am so stressy… if stressy is a word. Sam and Alice are having conflicts. That sounds dramatic, but i have no better way to describe it. It is a bit of a mess really, knowing how i look can’t be helped too much and getting out of boyish habits isn’t easy. The problem is that every glace at a mirror and every boyish action causes me so much internal struggle. The reasons should be fairly obvious. I am fake, not by choice though, by virtue of growing up in the wrong body. I don’t like my boyish ways, because i am in every aspect beside my body a girl. The best things in life are the ones we fight hardest for, that make us charge through the biggest barriers and test our resolve. I know the way my resolve is swayed already, i have since the moment i walked into the doctors office and said “i am in the wrong body” aloud. This fight i am having, i already know how it ends and the final product is worth the struggle. The moral of the story… if it is worth doing then bloody do it. 

Thanks for reading, 

Alice. ❤❤❤

An Alice Update

Today i let my friends know about my being transgender and i was pleasantly surprised by the understanding, though lots of questions followed the revelation. To be fair i was wearing a transgender symbol pendant and one of them said “what is that?” So i told him what it was and suddenly we were having a full blown conversation about my gender in the middle of a witherspoon’s in leeds city centre at 12 in the afternoon. Awkward as it get… unless you are sure of yourself and are very open about your experience. Still, shameless as i am it was a bit odd to have the discussion with a group in public. It does prove my confidence in my discussion i think. It is also part of the reason i only just got home. Sorry i am late. 

Where’s your Respect?

Most people have decency, most people won’t have this problem with me. However, there are some people out there who expect something from me that they won’t give me first. The expect to have respect from me of the mark. No. Not if your approach is horrible. You approach me to tell me your negative opinion on sexuality or gender and expect me to respect that opinion. I am not a politician and if you offend me dodging it will not be my answer, i have given more than a fair share of doubters a piece of my mind. Between coming out as gay at 15, then bi at 17 and now trans i think i know how to deal with homophobia by now. So, if you want me to take your opinion on board or respect you… Have some respect for me. I have met older people who hate my decision and how quickly the ‘respect your elders’ rule went out of the window. Seriously, in this day and age this shouldn’t happen. It is my body and i will do with it what i want. Don’t like it? What the fuck are you doing here in the first place? I am proud of my bisexual trans crazy life choices and i don’t need to take anything, i will not be disrespected anymore. My mental health isn’t great, but i am sure as hell ready to stand up for myself. Bring on the closed minded and opinionated rubbish, i am ready for you.

P.s.Mind my french, this makes me mad

Personality 

Personality, the topic of todays ramble. I just realised that a lot of people assume personality from what they know about you. If you ask most people to think of a gay man they assume a certain personality that is false on many occasions. I have nothing against gay people if that wasn’t clear enough with my bombardment of lgbt support, they just have a strong assumed character. I think if i were to assume my  own character from the labels i am a much more extroverted person than i really am. I am shy and delicate. I am very political in view and liberal as hell, but i suppose that comes across in writing. The point of this was to say that we really stop assuming how people will act because they have some wide label associated with them. Personality is by its very nature individual and one of a kind to any one person. The best way just happens to be getting to know someone before you judge them by their labels. 

I can’t see your Transgender 

Excuse the clickbait title, it is my tiny slight to those who take a ‘seeing is believing’ approach to people like myself. Personally, i feel like i am going through a lot of change and a lot of self discovery. The only problem with that is physically, not of my internal discovery comes across. In public and without me clarifying you would always see a man, not a woman when you look at me. The problem with that is that people then decide, because it isn’t visible, that i cannot possibly transgender. I liken myself to a baby bird, i have to walk before i learn to run and even from there flying is a while different story. Now i am sure if you are an understanding person you see the point i am trying to make. This, like most big changes, is a process. Believe me, i wish once i went to the doctor to say i am trans he just presented me with a button that magically made me a woman forever. If you aren’t well versed in the process of a sex change, in the uk you have to see a gender identity specialist before they will put you on hormone replacement therapy  and then after a couple of years or so of hrt is the recommended time before the final surgeries. It is a long process. So please if anyone finds the magic transition button call me so i don’t have to deal with the doubt. 

Intimacy and Me

​I do not want romance, not for a while. Romance is a stressful process as much as it is a fantastic one, but intimacy is something i have the overwhelming desire for all the time. I love contact, just gentle human warmth. I think it makes us feel a little bit wanted, closeness for the sake of closeness is something i haven’t had for years with anyone. Does acting more grown up constitute to a lack of physical contact being allowed. Is it only acceptable now if there is the implication of some romantic relationship? What if i just want comfort and someone to cuddle? Is that acceptable or am i in the disillusioned world where contact is a sin without promise of relationship. I personally love the feeling, i don’t care about it implying anything either. I suppose i am just a fan of spreading love.